Julie's post has got me thinking about when the infertility struggle was hardest for my husband and me. There have been so many moments of sadness, so many heart-wrenching experiences. But even with all we have been through, I would still say that it was hardest when we didn't know what the problem was. After round one of testing was completed and the results were inconclusive, the frustration and despair were overwhelming. If we could just know what the problem was, we could deal with it and move on. But not knowing just left us hanging, cursing our bodies for not doing their God-given job and allowing us to become parents.
So with the standard I-don't-know-what-your-problem-is-so-here-is-a-prescription-for-clomid farewell from my gynecologist, we sought help from a specialist. After just one visit and a repeat of a test that looked "off" to him, he was able to give us a diagnosis. It was an other-worldly experience, hearing him tell us we would never be able to have a baby naturally. I remember listening to him, and watching his mouth move, but it was like everything was in slow motion. I had floated out of my body and was just a silent observer of a life-changing event that was happening to someone else. Obviously it couldn't possibly be happening to us.
We only had about thirty seconds to absorb what he told us. He laid it out in surprisingly few, blunt, words - our only option was IVF. He asked us what we wanted to do, not even leaving the room to allow us time to talk it over. But even without discussing it, we both knew what course we needed to take. A new hope kindled itself in our hearts, and stirred a feeling of excitement and nervousness we had not felt since we first started trying for a baby. The hope of becoming parents was tangible again. It didn't feel like a far-off thing that only happened to other people. We could reach out and grab it. Yes, it would be difficult. Yes, it would be painful. It would be emotionally and spiritually draining. But it could be our miracle.
And so we moved forward, feeling energized and renewed - we could actually do something about this. Instead of sitting on the sidelines hoping desperately for a baby, we could actively do something that would allow that miracle to take place. We were empowered again.
I often think of infertility as being a gospel principle in the same vein as being saved by grace after all we can do. Yes, we could have done nothing, and waited for a natural conception. Many people believe that fertility treatment is interfering with the divine pattern of things, and that all you can do is pray and hope. But I believe that the Lord gave us a way to achieve our goal, and I think, expected us to do everything within our power to have a child, to prove to Him how willing we were to become parents. Only then would He give us our miracle.
And now as we prepare to embark on this journey again, I am reminded of this power of knowing and doing. And I'm hoping for a miracle once more.
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2 comments:
Oh, my thoughts EXACTLY. The worst was not knowing. Though I would have loved to have changed the problem to something different but still known, it was so good to KNOW and to know how to proceed.
I also think it's up to us to do all we can, for some that may be pursuing adoption or what-not, but to have the knowledge and tools and technology available and not to use it is hard to imagine. It's such a blessing to be able to do IVF and all this other stuff.
I don't understand at all those people who think fertility treatments aren't "necessary" or maybe "you're not meant to have kids, so don't mess with it" (not that anyone's said that to us). The Lord wants us to do all we can, and He has provided us with the means. Most people who have a problem of any sort do SOMETHING to take care of it, why not infertility? I mean, I need glasses/contacts, should I just go around half-blind and pray that the Lord either fixes my eyesight or keeps me from walking in front of a UPS truck? not exactly the same, but you know what I mean...Eek, I ramble in these comments, these posts just get me going!
I completely agree with the sentiment that not knowing what is happening with my body was the worst part of our entire experience with infertility. Finding a doctor who could accurately diagnose my problem gave me confidence that we would find a solution, and Clara is living proof that we did.
As I look ahead to having more children I feel comforted in knowing that we have a place to begin each time and don't have to go through that period of waiting, wondering, and sorrowing.
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