Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Experience + Council

I've wanted to post again for awhile now, but we've had a lack of internet connection (feels like my arm has been chopped off!) But I'm trying to get back into the swing of things despite the ultra slow wireless signal from an obliging (or unaware) neighbor.

I felt like I should post about an experience that Spencer and I had a few weeks ago. In April I kept trying to set aside a day that we could go to the temple and something would always seem to come up at the last minute and we'd have to postpone our plan. This happened several times actually as we planned to go to the temple. We all know full well how to choose between a good thing and a bad thing. What's difficult is when the choice is between two or three or four good things. Especially when it consists of helping someone during a time of need. Not that all of the distractions pulling us away from our temple plans where good things, but a great number of them were. It came to the end of the month and I attempted to put down my foot to Spencer and say, "It will happen on [this] day. We're going." Well, once again several things came at us all at once, and I lost it. I fell apart. I felt so discouraged. By this point I just felt desperate to get to the temple. I felt spiritually starved for it, and I knew that Satan was standing on my coat tail (or skirt tail) trying to keep me from getting to nourishment. It was doubly frustrating to me that it seemed like Spencer was assisting him. For some reason he didn't seem as anxious as I thought he should be to make our plan happen.

Finally, a Friday night, May 1st to be exact, we started the 2 hour drive to the Atlanta Temple as soon as Spencer got off of work. He seemed especially quiet and irritable the whole drive up. I wasn't exactly the prime of contentment either. As we parked the car in the temple parking lot, somehow a nit picky comment doubled over into a knock down drag out. We attempted to get out of the car, but the argument seemed to escalate, and to avoid humiliation we got back in. A stupid argument about where to leave a cell phone and where to put trash turned into a spill-over of random bottled up emotions and feelings that had never really surfaced. Things about our relationship and the way we communicate. But one of the most important realizations that surfaced as we vented all of our frustrations to each other was that most of the frustrations we were feeling were directly and indirectly caused by our infertility situation and we weren't loving each other through it and relying on each other for comfort the way we should have been. We both had been feeling distant, confused, and unloved. I think knowing that we couldn't carry all of those frustrated and upset feelings into the temple forced us to sit there and reconcile our situation, not just a temporary "I'm sorry" fix, but a real spill out of deep feelings.

It has been amazing the change in Spencer since he was able to let it all out. Men tend to bottle things up inside. He's seen me cry and cry and cry until I've made myself sick, but not once have a seen him really let out his emotions on his own personal infertile circumstance. He's always been rational and seemed rather impartial on the subject. So to hear him say that he had been angry with God and for him to describe hopeless feelings was somewhat of a shock and relief at the same time. He confessed that the temple was the last place he felt like being at the moment. At first I concurred, but then a flash of thought came to me that I knew was the Spirit. I said, "I know. But I also know that inside those walls is where we have been promised an eternal family. I know we have children. And being in the temple is the only place on earth that I can feel as close to them as possible. And I want us to be together as a family, even if only in the temple for now." We both embraced as we felt the same stir of emotions.

We collected ourselves and finally made our way inside the temple for the last session of the night. While inside the temple there was a certain point where it all suddenly hit me: The Priesthood. We hadn't sought the power of the priesthood yet and we needed to seek a priesthood blessing. And not just any blessing...A Father's Blessing. And not just any Father's Blessing...My dad is an ordained Patriarch. I have heard truth and prophecy pour out of his mouth and felt the power from underneath his hands on numerous occasions.

The following Sunday happened to be Fast Sunday and we all prepared ourselves. We both had a blessing. In my blessing I was blessed to be relieved from any anxiety I felt over the issue of bearing children, that I would indeed be blessed in the Lord's due time to bear children and that I would be able to carry to full term during each pregnancy and that I should prepare myself in every way to be a mother. Spencer then was blessed and counseled to be cautious about what he puts in his body, to take his vitamins and any thing else the doctors recommend to him, to continue his exercise program, and that after he did all that he could do, the Lord would make up for what he couldn't do for himself, and that he would be healed and would be able to father children. WOW! We have been on cloud 9 ever since! I still feel overwhelmed with joy and comfort as I recall all of these things.

Forgive me if all of this seemed long-winded or too personal to share. I was feeling it all in my heart and just had to share it with some awesome women that I knew would be happy to hear it. I'm so thankful for the Temple and for the Priesthood and for the council that the Lord was willing to send us. I just hope that we can be faithful to that council. I'm clinging to it for all it's worth!

5 comments:

Bonnie said...

What beautiful blessings you have been promised! That is such a great experience for both of you, and sounds like it was sorely needed. I'm so happy you could find some of the peace you need.

fiona said...

Thank you for sharing your experiences, Amy! What a blessing it is to have the priesthood in our lives. AND the temple! Those are such comforting blessings you both received.

Seeing Z let his feelings out about IF was somewhat unnerving to me at first, since he was always the more even-keeled one, too, but it brought us closer together and I was glad that he was affected so deeply as well. That sounds wrong. But you know...just that we BOTH shared the devastating feelings and fears that the diagnosis brings.

I'm so glad you're in such a good "place" now, too :) And I'm glad you can post more!

Kathleen said...

Thank you so much for posting this. I just found your blog in a google search, and I's so thankful that someone is writing about these things. My husband and I often feel alone in our ward and family, and we've been told to seek time in the temple. Sometimes it's the last place I want to go, but your comment about being nearer to your children while there put things in perspective for me. Thank you!

Anonymous said...

QUOTE: "I know. But I also know that inside those walls is where we have been promised an eternal family. I know we have children. And being in the temple is the only place on earth that I can feel as close to them as possible. And I want us to be together as a family, even if only in the temple for now." We both embraced as we felt the same stir of emotions." END QUOTE

I just have to tell you, this brought me to tears! I have struggled with infertility and can honestly say that this is the mose refreshing thing that I I have ever read about the promise of children in life. It was so very inspiring to read these words. Thank you!

-Jen

Bacher Blog said...

Found your blog through google search as well. That quote about being closer to your eternal children in the temple brought me to tears as well. So encouraging. Thank you thank you!