Wow.
I suddenly feel quite honored to be apart of this group of awesome women. It feels like somehow I have passed a test and have been officially inducted into the Infertility Hall of Fame. Seems kind of ironic, doesn't it? Ironic that I am actually happy about it. I mean, honestly, who would will themselves to be in our boat? But at the same time I have to admit that being asked to be an author on this blog makes me feel like I've made it to some kind of major marker point in this marathon. I'm sure I have a long way to go still, but it's nice to be to a point where I can look back and see the bigger picture.
Most of you know me, except for Fiona, but let's make this induction official by spilling the juicy details. Spencer and I met out at BYU-Idaho in 2003 and we have been happily married now for about 4 and a half years. We officially started trying to get pregnant a little bit before our 2nd Anniversary back in September of 2006. I remember that first month being sooo devastated when my period came, late of course. I had no idea I would have to endure that month after month after month only to find out in February of 2008 that we have been dealt the male-factor infertility card.
We were living in Virginia at the time and had initiated visits to a referred infertility doctor, which that's another post in and of itself, but suffice it to say it added additional emotional scarring to my already wounded heart. A couple of months later in April we felt impressed to just up and leave Virginia and move to Georgia (where I am from and my family still resides). So we did! We didn't make that decision lightly...obviously, Spencer was quitting his job to go somewhere he didn't currently have one. And unfortunately, we also left behind the blessing of insurance that covered IVF, our one hope. All I could do was pray and trust in what I knew I was being asked to do by Heavenly Father. We are settled now and Spencer has a good job and we were so excited to get to buy our first house! It somehow felt like a step toward our goal of expanding our family to finally have a place to call home. But alas, no insurance benefits toward anything to do with infertility. And honestly, as we've prayed about it all, we never have felt impressed to do anything about it but just wait. So we wait.
Waiting is never the most desirable option when you want something so bad it hurts. But like every trial in our lives, I have learned so much from it. I am 10x more patient than I ever imagined I could be...not just patient with life, but patient with other people, sympathetic to all kinds of life situations and heartache, patient with myself and my own imperfections...I've learned to accept when I just can't quite measure up and to call upon the Savior for help. I've definitely learned what it truly means to turn something over to Him and to trust Him. I have somehow, through this constant crushing desire for a baby, been crammed with an exploding amount of love for children. Not just love, but again patience...And that's necessary when you teach thirteen 5 year-olds in Primary {LoVe it!}. I've learned to be grateful for this time I've been given all to myself. It really has been a blessing to me. I've realized that I am unique and special...we all are...because of this situation we have been put in. We have not been put on the typical timeline that happens to most people in our LDS culture. We have been set aside as examples through our trials. I want to be found faithful to what I know to be true no matter what is thrown my way, just as Job of the Old Testament was. I'm grateful to you, my fellow Hall of Famers, because you have been my examples. Yes...I am definitely proud to now have my name up in that top right hand corner list next to yours!
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5 comments:
Yay! Welcome, Amy! (You're right, it does sound weird to "welcome" someone to an infertility group...like, "Congratulations!" haha!)
I'm glad to know you better, male factor infertility is what we're workin' with, too.
Like you said, I, too, feel so much more sympathetic in general from having to deal with this, which is a great blessing. I love how less-hard I am on people, less judgemental, though I don't think I was necessarily like that a lot anyway...but it was still like an awakening to me, even though I KNEW that others had trials not seen by all, different heart-rending situations, etc., it didn't really hit home until I experienced it for myself.
I loved what you said about not being on the typical timeline, about being "set aside as examples through our trials." Very nicely put.
Waiting is soooo hard, and that's great that you were able to buy a house! I look forward to your posts and insights, and to hear more of your journey!
Yes, welcome, Amy! We are glad to have you with us. And great insights - I have certainly noticed my compassion for others grow as I've fought through this experience.
And what the heck is up with male-factor infertility? That's three out of five of us where that is the main issue. (Could even be four out of five - Julie how's that testing coming along?). I guess we're all one giant lesson in why you should have your husband tested.
Amy! Welcome, and let me give you an official hug as well! {Hug.} Even though dealing with infertility sucks at times, having you along certainly does not. I am amazed at your wonderful example of patience and your willingness to use the love you've been given.
(If we are the four out of five for male-factor infertility, Bruce is still being lazy about us finding out. GR.)
Julie, my dear, Bruce is long past laziness. This is an issue of fear or worry or embarrassment, not an issue of not having time or insurance or money or just waiting until after this or that (though he may say it's about those things). You two need to have a frank talk about whether his testing is going to happen or not and when, because at this rate, it never will.
You have to realize that it's okay if he doesn't get tested - if you are both okay with that. But the consequences of incomplete testing can mean no baby. And if you truly want another child then you must come to terms with the necessary steps to get there.
I want you guys to have the family you want. But there is no shortcut, no matter how much you may want it. You just can't skip a step, no matter how uncomfortable or scary it is to deal with it.
I hope you can come to some kind of compromise to move things forward. It is tough, I know, but you can do it. You just have to make a decision instead of hanging out in limbo for all eternity.
Love you!
Thanks, Bonnie.
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