I haven't felt like blogging in a long time. Not because I don't have anything to say - I just haven't felt like saying it. I've been in a very strange place for the last three months. Not in an "oh I'm so picked on" or "woe is me" kind of way, just in the sense that I have felt unable to relate to anyone. Even on this blog, with a group of women who share common experiences and heartache, I have still felt like a foreigner.
So at church last Sunday, when the woman giving the Relief Society lesson spoke about her trial with infertility (sharing a struggle that was strikingly similar to my own) I would have thought my reaction would be one of instant bonding. This was a person who could truly relate to me. Someone who could completely understand exactly what I'd been through. We could be immediate and fast friends.
But my reaction was unexpected. As she told her story, I could relate, yes. But I sat there dry-eyed in a room full of sniffles and kleenex. Everyone was crying except for me (including my visiting mother-in-law, who elbowed me "knowingly" a time or two). It was very strange.
You would think I'd have wanted to run up to her after the lesson and have an instant heart-to-heart. But I didn't. I had absolutely no desire to do so. I didn't even want to meet her.
And I'm not sure what to think about that.
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3 comments:
Huh. You know, I kinda think there's no such thing as a strange reaction with this stuff. There's so many variables at a given time...in circumstances, in your own level of acceptance/frustration/grief, etc, etc...sometimes you feel hardened and distanced from it all, sometimes you're as raw and exposed as can be.
I hope you feel more yourself soon, though, in this sense. That's no fun.
I did chuckle when I read about your mother-in-law elbowing you "knowingly," that's totally something my mother would do.
It's okay to be mad. Really mad. Knuckle-bitingly mad. Chocolate-eating mad.
Let yourself go through the healing process however you can.
I think you misunderstand me. I'm not mad at all. In fact, I've never been less angry.
I'm simply indifferent about it all. Which in some ways is a blessing, since there is no possibility for more kids on the immediate horizon.
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